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About Us

Do you thirst for truth about The Great White North? Do you lust for knowledge of the forbidden frontier? Are you a resident of the United States of America? Good. Look no further, my dear, curious comrade. 

With sheer determination as our only companion, we trek through the mysterious northern realm day and night, selecting for you, our astute audience, only the most highly-sophisticated Canadian information. We then deliver our breathtaking discoveries directly to your digital doorstep.

We get our hands sticky so you don't have to. We get our boots wet so you can stay dry. We cross the border and hike to the highest peaks of the Maple Mountains in search of truth so you can stay in the sanctity of the first world, the comfort of your own bed. We're on a journey, spiritual and physical, and we're asking you to do nothing but bask in the educational enlightenment of our glorious findings. However, if you do feel the need to assist us with our lifelong trek through the Great White North, you might consider purchasing some extremely exclusive merchandise here, and then continue stocking up on some cold, hard facts below.

Hockey

For the Somewhat Intrigued

To Canadians, Hockey is considered a sport. While slinging a three-inch rubber disc across a field of ice might seem more like a chore or even a nightmare to the somewhat intrigued American, Hockey has been reported to bring joy to both its participants and observers rather than seemingly never-ending ennui.

For the Moderately Intrigued

Traditionally, Hockey pucks are frozen before games in an attempt to prevent them from bouncing haphazardly throughout game play. The moderately intrigued American might inquire as to why they don’t simply construct said “puck” out of material that’s more compatible with the preferred style of game play instead of vulcanized rubber. According to respectable Canadian pub patrons, tradition is tradition, and that’s something the moderately intrigued American may not be able to fully grasp.

For the Extremely Intrigued

In the 1800s, frozen cow dung was used as an alternative to pucks during outdoor pickup games. We, as extremely intrigued Americans, have to assume this interesting substitution was due to the Canadian equivalent of a triple-dog dare. However, it is impossible for any intrigued American to understand a continued and daily endorsement of this tactic. As history suggests though, Canadians do not stop, and will not stop, regardless of who insists they do so. For example: During a Junior Hockey Championship in 1987, Canada and the USSR became entangled in the brawl of the century. After what seemed like years of fist-flying mayhem, foolish officials turned off the lights in an attempt to quell the absurdity. But as all extremely intrigued Americans understand, every Canadian and Russian will undoubtedly use the darkness to their advantage in battle. Needless to say, the violence was not subdued by the simple flip of a switch.

Igloos

For the Somewhat Intrigued

Igloos are live-in freezers for Canadians. They were traditionally associated with people of Canada's Central Arctic and are still associated similarly. Unbeknownst to most, snow igloos are constructed first and foremost with the artistic intent of paraboloidal resemblance.

For the Moderately Intrigued

The moderately intrigued American might inquire as to why Canadians choose to create their art and homes with the very thing that could freeze them to death. However, thanks to our research and experimentation, we finally understand that snow has incredible insulating properties that enables the igloo’s interior to remain relatively warm, especially when accentuated by the fur and skin of the Caribou. The Caribou is the sub-par and, by all accounts, less-respected cousin of the moose and deer.

For the Extremely Intrigued

Early igloos were frequently built in groups. One of the buildings was typically a temporary structure created for special and intimate occasions. The other was usually built nearby for general living and for conversing about where, how, and with what, the residents could play hockey. Traditional dances and community feasts, consisting of vast quantities of what we assume was Caribou meat, occurred commonly within the walls of the igloos. These dances were held for those, who we assume, used passing lust and voracious sexual desire as a heating mechanism. These igloos may have housed up to twenty hockey enthusiasts at any given time.

Syrup

For the Somewhat Intrigued

Canadians were the first group of people known to have produced highly-sophisticated maple syrup successfully. They did so by extracting xylem sap from sugar maple, red maple, or black maple trees, boiling the sap until it tasted good enough to pour slowly and purposefully over hefty helpings of waffles, and then informing intrigued Americans that they’d never truly “get it.” Maple syrup, or Northern Nectar, dripped across the Canadian border into the mouths of the intrigued Americans centuries ago, probably. But while we will gladly inhale tremendous portions of whatever grade of syrup is provided, Canadians are only satiated with syrup of the utmost purity and perfection. They’ve even developed a comprehensive grading system for their nation’s finest, and maybe only, export. For detailed information on maple syrup grading, please consult the “moderately intrigued” information panel below.

For the Moderately Intrigued

The Maple syrup grading system, as developed, transcribed, and rigorously enforced by the International Maple Syrup Institute (IMSI), is to be consulted and adhered to across the entirety of Canada. Americans would never fully understand the ramifications of breaking a verbal and written contract with the IMSI, and they are not expected to, which should render tremendous relief. There are four types of Grade-A maple syrup: "Golden Colour and Delicate Taste," "Amber Colour and Rich Taste," "Dark Colour and Robust Taste," and "Very Dark Colour and Strong Taste." Then, of course, there is the “Processing Grade” for lousy, characterless products, and the “Substandard” syrup which, according to a local pub patron, “is only suitable for the garbage and street rats.” Our extensive research concludes that as long as maple syrup is of uniform color, does not have an off-flavor, and is free from turbidity, sediment, and human feces, it can be labeled as “A-Grade.”

For the Extremely Intrigued

Most Canadian schools are similar to America’s in that subjects are attempted to be taught. However, in Canada, instead of math we presume, teachers are encouraged to educate their students on maple trees and the production of syrup. They do so with the help of a newly published maple syrup encyclopedia that is not available for purchase for even the extremely intrigued American. These syrup students mustn’t become cocky, and they might consider stopping production and commitment to their succulent success altogether, because the “Federation of Quebec Maple Syrup Producers” is always watching with an authoritative glare and an endless bench of ruthless litigation professionals. The FPAQ produces 94% of Canadian Maple Syrup and nearly 80% of the entire world’s supply. They also still find plenty of time to stifle the dreams of Canadian citizens and the growth of their maple syrup production facilities with a snap of a finger. It’s quite a sticky situation.

Moose

For the Somewhat Intrigued

Moose are much larger than, and immeasurably superior to, the Caribou. Furthermore, these naturally-crowned, glorious woodland beasts have earned a level of respect that is much greater than their sub-par American cousin, the deer. They are thoroughly cherished throughout the nation of Canada due to their size, strength, and from what we can tell, unparalleled wit. They also look simply fantastic in television commercials.

For the Moderately Intrigued

Throughout the Moose breeding season, the cow moose, while utterly perfect in appearance, entices its mate with a ghastly nasal moan that would seemingly attract nothing. However, it does. The bull responds with a sensual coughing bellow. This is something that, according to several mountainside Canucks, the moderately intrigued American might never completely understand. However, all Canadians seem to understand and sometimes even relish the guttural mating sounds that echo through the mountains amidst “the rut,” or the breeding season.

For the Extremely Intrigued

Moose have long, attractive legs that end in cloven hooves often more than 18 cm long. Based on our extensive research of the northern wilderness, we have concluded that this must be the actual reason why these massive forest creatures garner such lust from their sexual partners. As most extremely intrigued Americans would assume, their constant guttural howling seems to be quite the opposite of arousing. While easily the most beautiful forest creature, their rampant reproduction may soon become an irreversible issue. We have estimated that there are between 500,000 and 1 million moose in Canada. If our records are correct, that would mean there are somewhere between 500,000 and 1 million more moose than there are Waffle Houses in the entirety of the Great White North.

Waffles

For the Somewhat Intrigued

A waffle is a leavened batter smashed and heated between two metal plates of a waffle iron until it is golden-brown. Waffles are fantastic partners to Canadian bacon and Grade-A maple Syrup. The somewhat intrigued american might consider indulging their culinary curiosity sometime soon before it’s too late.

For the Moderately Intrigued

Waffles are, in fact, sold in Canada. However, as our estimate currently stands, precisely zero Waffle House establishments exist in Canada. That’s 2,100 less Waffle Houses than America has to offer its citizens. An abundance of our own research backs the claim that waffles are objectively superior to pancakes in nearly every imaginable way. This is, in part, due to the fact in that their structure allows for more delicious grade-A maple syrup to rest between the walls of the flavor valleys created by the waffle iron. A moderately intrigued american might inquire as to what differentiates Grade-A maple syrup from the substandard sugary mess they have been accustomed to swallowing every morning. Please reference the details located in the moderately intrigued “Syrup” information panel.

For the Extremely Intrigued

Although we have quite easily discovered definitive proof that waffles originated from France, and that the word “waffle” is, beyond a reasonable doubt, derivative of the Dutch word for “wafer,” we also have reason to believe, suggest, and promote otherwise. Based on the somewhat stable ramblings of an unnamed Ottawan pub patron, the modern waffle “started in Canada, and it will end in Canada.” Given the fact that trustworthiness is something all experienced explorers and researchers should embrace regardless of the speaker’s level of inebriation, we are willing to scrap our intensive research for the passion and assumed tradition of the townsfolk that make Canada the mysterious beast that it is.

Murder

For the Somewhat Intrigued

Murder is, in fact, considered a crime in Canada. Many items such as knives and waffle irons have been used violently against other humans in the context of fatality, in direct violation of this law, and in an attempt to display either physical dominance, intellectual superiority, or sometimes both.

For the Moderately Intrigued

Our extensive research yields the conclusion that Murder in in the Great White North, has been defined by The Criminal Code, for decades, as a demeritorious homicide with explicit intentions. This law, passed by the Parliament of Canada, seemingly unbeknownst to most Canucks, applies to the entirety of Canada, and especially Ottawa. A moderately intrigued but somewhat skeptical American might inquire about specific personal experiences. Please refer to the extremely intrigued information panel for further details.

For the Extremely Intrigued

After witnessing a rather violent session of verbal jousting that quickly led to potentially warranted fatal aggression in regards to the origin of the Waffle, we had been gifted the rare sight of an authoritarian force inside a public establishment. This information, while a wonderful addition to our Canadian fact database, is devastating for the patron who suffered an untimely death. It is, without question, equally devastating to the Canadian who had simply been trying to protect his belief system from what we could only assume was an unwelcome stranger with equally unwelcome facts. As of today, the pub battle’s victor is further entangled in legal consequences for the foreseeable future. To help get this beautiful, unnamed Canadian patron out of prison, please call your local authorities and plead that they replicate your sorrow to the Canadian representative they know best.



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