We have provided you with a list of seven exceedingly violent alternatives to watching this absolutely real video of Kid Rock giving a speech about running for political office. But here's the thing, man. It's totally up to you to decide whether or not these devastatingly painful options are for you. Don't worry! We've provided helpful links to make purchasing the tools needed to destroy your own body a total breeze! So here's to hoping you choose wisely! Although we can almost guarantee it won't make much of a difference either way.
You could watch Kid Rock talk about running for political office, or you could slice your face off with this cheese grater and splash your head into a bucket of salt water. Up to you, man.
You could listen to Mr. America talk about women having too many children, or you could slit your throat with this Ginsu knife at the comfort of your own dinner table! The choice is yours.
You could either hear the creator of "Bawitdaba" talk about health insurance coverage, or you could make yourself blind with these lawn darts and punch yourself in the dick until you puke. Hey, it's your call.
You could listen to the former king of rap-rock shed his thoughts about various hate and activist groups, or you could slowly squeeze your head in this vice until your veins burst and your jaw shatters into a thousand pieces. Either option is a possibility. You just have to choose.
You could either hear a 46-year-old man in a fedora publicly contemplate a presidential run, or you could slice off your extremities with this heavy duty guillotine paper trimmer and chug a gallon of bleach. Tough call, we know. But what's it going to be, kiddo?
You could listen to a drunk pop star read his thoughts about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, or you could smash out both of your knees with this handy but heavy sledgehammer and fall into a tank full of piranhas. What's your pick, champ?
One last thing. You could either help make this nauseating video go viral, or you could freeze your lungs with some air duster and jump from the top of a Captain D's. But you honestly have to figure that out on your own, man. That's not up to us.
Also, just to be clear: We don't want you to hurt yourself if you don't have to. But hey, if the alternative is watching this video, we totally get why the interest is there. But instead of wasting your time worrying about Kid Rock's potential run for office, why don't you support someone who has your best interests in mind? Why not vote Busey in 2020? Help him out! Use the discount code "fuckkidrock" to get 10% off this amazing shirt. Busey's "Gettin' Crazy 'Bout Freedom." Are you?