With the hefty fee that all iPhone enthusiasts will have to shell out for the latest and greatest, people are wondering if it's really worth it. And since there's no way it could be, we decided to throw some ideas at Apple that might make the average consumer feel less guilty about spending their life savings on something that's purposefully even more breakable than their current device.
1.) "The Bell" - An Automatic Taco Bell Order & Delivery System for Drunks
Sometimes iPhone users are simply way too blasted and lazy to even think about driving two minutes to snag that fourth meal at 3:00am. But if Apple and Taco Bell partnered up to serve the needs of the late night alcoholic, they could not only increase sales, but also prevent countless instances of drunk driving, road rage, and probably murder.
How It Would Work:
Since the tech giants are constantly listening in to every single thing you say anyway, this technology could be used in a positive manner to determine when speech starts to slur. As soon as the device can't interpret the human voice, a timer would be activated, and exactly thirty minutes later, an alert would be sent to nearest Taco Bell. With "Automatic Recurring Purchases" activated in "The Bell" settings, the delivery driver would arrive at the customer's home exactly two minutes prior to them passing out naked on their living room floor while trying to binge-watch Ancient Aliens. #Perfect
2.) Pepper Spray Xtension
Since every single person in the world is in a constant state of Snapping and posting, why not have inconspicuous protection readily available for when a creeper tries to grope you in public?
How It Would Work:
When you're alone, feeling vulnerable, and in an unfamiliar place, simply hold the phone so that the camera is facing the aggressor, and smash the button on the "Mace This Fucker" screen. This will prompt the facial recognition technology to capture the face of your aggressor, and it will trigger the military-grade pepper spray that will instantly bring him to the ground. A GPS location will be sent to your three most messaged contacts, telling them that you just maced the fuck out a disgusting pervert who is now crying on the sidewalk.
3.) Xtreme Xplosion Feature
When we want to smash our phones to pieces in a fit of rage, we should be able to do it without having to pay another $1k for another iPhone X.
How It Would Work:
Apple could sell their iPhones with Xtreme Protection, a metal case with a rubber exterior, for an extra $50. When a user gets furious about a text from their ex, or when they get pissed off about the generally sub-par user experience, they can throw the phone against anything they choose with as much force as they desire. When the phone hits any hard surface, the signature "Xplosion" sound would be triggered. This harsh, destructive cacophony would surely yield satisfaction with your act of aggression, and you get to keep your phone at the same time! WOW!
4.) X Doesn't Mark the Spot
With the recent social obsession that is "Find My Friends," there is no way to escape the wrath of an angry friend, a suspicious spouse, or a worried mother who "just wants to know where you are."
Apple could offer an Xclusive "Liar's Package" for around $10 monthly.
This Package Could Include:
- A False GPS location: You could lie to your spouse and/or mother without having to cover your tracks.
- An automated and vaguely-positive text message sent once every half hour, letting your suspicious loved one know that you're okay.
Potential Message Options:
- "Be home soon! Everything's going great!"
- "Wow! Having a super fun time! Hope it's all good back home!"
- "Tell the kids that I miss them, and that I might be back soon, hopefully!"
- "I love you and I PROMISE there's no reason to be worried!"
Apple has not responded to our suggestions yet, but we look forward to hearing from one of their representatives in the near future. We think it's safe to say that their customer base would be more comfortable paying $1k for the iPhone X if it allowed them to smash things, lie to their loved ones, mace perverts, and place Taco Bell orders effortlessly.