The blessed and beautiful Holiday season is upon us.
The time of year in which we gather around the fire in grandma's living room to share our most splendid memories involving the deliciousness and affordability of Smithfield Ham.
But remember, not all Smithfield Ham memories should be brought to light.
Here are seven wacky situations involving the world's most spectacular meat product that you should definitely avoid bringing up at this year's holiday gathering.
1.) The time cousin Derek dressed up as Santa, got wasted on Listerine, stole his sister's phone, and sent three-hundred photos of a Smithfield Glazed Ham to her boyfriend at 3:00am.
What a wacky situation! Remember when he fell off the roof and shattered both his femurs? He destroyed the whole nativity scene! There's practically no way grandma would want to relive that tragedy. Let's stuff this one deep down inside. Got it?
2.) The time Ricky, Becky, Randall, and James Franco all dove into the frozen lake to try to save a Smithfield Hickory Smoked Spiral Ham with Pecan Praline Glaze they had been using as a football.
When James Franco calls and asks if you "got that ham," you can't say no!
You gather your most rambunctious relatives to play a couple games of Meatball on the lake behind grandma's house, and then you never talk about it ever again.
3.) The time Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson burst through the living room wall, repeatedly demanding that he receive thirty Smithfield Glazed Half Hams.
He definitely wasn't invited, but that definitely didn't stop him. He gave grandma a heart attack when he smashed through the brick exterior, brazenly demanding an excessive amount of the world's most delicious meat. Let's not stop her heart again by bringing up this zany situation! Talk about a "Ham Slam," am I right?
4.) The time thousands of Smithfield Country hams came crashing down from the Heavens, causing millions of dollars in property damage to grandma's home.
The great "ham from the heavens" fiasco caused irreparable damage not only to grandma's house, but to nearly all the establishments within a twenty mile radius. It would be wise if you kept your mouth shut about this tragedy, as most businesses have not yet fully recovered from the onslaught of pre-packaged pig products that absolutely demolished the area for nine straight hours that fateful day.
5.) The time you totally forgot to bring the Smithfield Steamship Ham Roast!
Ugh! What were you thinking?!
6.) The time Smithfield Headquarters called grandma, insisting she return her hams so that they could give them to Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, who had just burst through her home's brick exterior, demanding he receive all Smithfield Glazed Hams "Immediately."
That was not the call she was expecting, and it's definitely not one that she wants to think about ever again. Please avoid talking to grandma about Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Please.
7.) The time uncle Chuck got naked, rolled his Smithfield-licensed ham cannon into the front yard, and shot forty-five Uncooked Country Hams in Cloth Sacks through the neighbor's window while blasting "Feliz Navidad."
Uncle Chuck loves getting naked and shattering the neighbor's windows with Smithfield Hams, the world's most precious meat. Everyone knows it, and he will never change. But if you remember the night like I do, it was totally ruined when the cops arrived and threw his slovenly body to the frozen pavement, sending grandma into a panic attack, and ultimately, to the hospital. Here's to hoping she doesn't remember this totally bonkers Smithfield Ham mishap!
Wow! It's incredible how many absolutely devastating memories can come from something as delicious and affordable as Smithfield Ham!
So regardless of how badly you feel the need to bring them up, it's probably in your best interest to stuff those traumatic memories deep down inside...if you have room for them, that is! Mmm Mmm!