MOISTing a Murderer
If you are a human being with any amount of access to social media, news, or other human beings, you've certainly heard about the new Netflix documentary titled "Making a Murderer." Not only have you heard of it, you've probably had to sit through countless one-way conversations with non-expert sorority girls and bar tenders about how, "OH EM GEE, he's INNOCENT. Like seriously though, I can't even.." Well we are here to tell you why these people are right and why you actually CAN even..
We would like to start by first helping you understand that the entire state of Wisconsin is a barren wasteland void of hope and filled with nothing but cows and trash. Even if all you know about Wisconsin is based on the show, your opinions are probably pretty close to fact. Every city, every town, every village is a depressing, hellish, trash-filled cesspool inhabited by 60's looking freaks who are all most likely inbred. The only exception is Lake Geneva and its immediate surroundings but that's not important right now. The rest of the state is basically poor, rural China.
With all that in mind, we want to introduce to you some of the key players in this case and ultimately prove why Steven Avery is INNOCENT and why this wonderful and unbiased documentary may be the best thing to happen to the justice system since Judge Judy.
The Champion of our hearts, Steven Avery, is an uneducated stump of a man but is no less worthy of our love and support. As those who watched the show know, Steven was convicted of rape in 1985. He spent 18 years behind bars for this crime which he claimed all along he never committed. To be honest, he kind of looks like a rapist but in getting to know the disgusting, puss-filled teddy bear that is Steven Avery, we come to realize that he couldn't hurt a fly, let alone rape one.
Steven is later acquitted of the crime after DNA evidence proves his innocence but this is just the beginning. Steven, once released, decides to file a lawsuit against the Manitowoc County officials whose criminal negligence led to his jail time. BIG MISTAKE.
Nearly two years after Steven's release, the disappearance of a local photographer named Teresa Halbach leads county officials to Avery's doorstep because he was supposedly the last person to see her alive.
Ok.. I've had it with this chick.. nobody knows for sure what happened to Teresa Halbach because the police cannot be trusted and they love preying on poor, defenseless, trashy people and that's a FACT. But based on aimless speculation and zero facts, we do know that she probably isn't dead.
Oh, they found your charred remains in a pit? Bullshit! You're fine. Quit moping around like you're dead. Nobody is buying it. Oh you think you were raped and murdered and your remains were burned in a barrel? Yeah right. Quit messing around.
Listen. This kid is a fucking idiot. He's a grown-ass man with a 4 year old's brain. He admitted to helping Steven Avery brutally rape and stab Teresa Halbach to death in Steven Avery's trailer simply because he's an idiot. He didn't know what the hell was going on when investigators were blatantly feeding him a detailed confession. When it was all over he even got up and asked, "So can I go home now?" not even realizing that he just confessed to raping and murdering someone. Now he's going to be in jail forever. Not because there was DNA evidence linking him to the murder but because a couple of asshole investigators took advantage of a mentally retarded 16 year old. Way to go Manitowoc County PD. You outsmarted an actual retard.
Look at her. She is a female human. How a creature like this exists on this earth is beyond us. The essence of her being officially disproves the existence of God or any higher power of positive influence. We are pretty sure she only spoke two or three times through the entire 10 episodes but we couldn't hear a word she said because we couldn't draw our focus away from her crusty, mustached face.
Her misfortune is absolute. Her life is void of meaning. She is an amorphous stack of flesh that functions only to displease anyone who sets eyes on her. Which is why we think that since she does not exist as a black hole of sadness, she must have some very strong positive qualities that were certainly passed along to her son. If she didn't have these positive characteristics, the massive weight of her sadness would collapse in on itself and crush the earth into dust and Steven Avery would have born as the Anti Christ and not a lovable, trashy redneck.
Allan Avery is by far the most entertaining character in this documentary. His nearly indecipherable northern accent combined with his uncomplicated, call-it-as-he-sees-it mentality makes you wish that he was your own smelly, grumpy grandfather. This no nonsense, ornery son of a bitch is the perfect stereotypical tough love parent. The kind of parent that could only produce a respectable, non-rapist, non-murderer son.
Ken freaking Kratz is a shit faced weasel who has no hope of ever finding love. Mainly because he looks for love in all the wrong places. Kratz, after he played a key role in wrongfully putting Steven Avery behind bars for the second time, was involved in a sexual harassment scandal where he allegedly sent sexually graphic text messages to a domestic violence victim. So our question is: WHAT KIND OF A HUMAN TRASH PILE, PIECE OF SHIT TRIES TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF AN EMOTIONALLY BROKEN WOMAN LIKE THAT? The obvious answer? A total dickhead. This is why we think he would also be capable of misleading a jury and perpetuating his disgusting brand of prosecutorial dog shit by actually, physically spewing dog shit out of his mouth while spitting lies and spit all over the courtroom. Asshole..
As a defense attorney for Steven Avery, Dean Strang was very concerned with the state of the justice system in Manitowoc County, Wisconsin. As a man, Dean Strang has a strong set of values that Jesus Christ himself would be impressed by. As a total hunk, good lord, just look at him. Isn't he dreamy? His chubby cheeks, his outdated glasses, his slight paunch and skinny arms. This man has the PERFECT dad body.
This intelligent, moral, unbelievably handsome man can literally do no wrong. That body just doesn't quit.. and his face.. Anyway, he did his best to fight off the evil that is Ken Kratz and the Manitowoc authorities but good doesn't always prevail. You're our hero, Dean. We love you.
LMAO!! Look at this freak. This guy is basically the reason that Steven Avery stayed in jail for like an extra 12 years the first time. He is an incompetent moron. He is also the reason Steven Avery was framed for murdering Teresa Halbach whom isn't even dead. We don't even have to tell you why. Just just look at him and you know. He's an idiot. Nice glasses, idiot. And nice hair. Your forehead looks like a moist, polished Ostrich egg. Get out of here with that shit.
Gross. Look at him. He planted all the evidence we think. We don't know. Look at him though. You know he did it. Seriously. His face looks like it's made of stone. And here's some advice. If you don't have any shred of hair on your dome, just take the rest. Nobody likes this male pattern bald cap look. Shave it all off. Also you're a jerk. You're probably coked out with a bunch of hookers right now. Tell Lamar Odom we said hi.
These people are all idiots. I'm an idiot for watching this entire show in less than two days. Steven Avery is innocent, Teresa Halbach isn't even dead and Wisconsin is a total shit hole of a state. That's all we have. Hopefully you learned something.