We just Got Eye-Raped. For You.
If you've "Netflix-and-Chilled" at least once within the past two weeks, you've probably noticed The Ridiculous 6, the newest from Sandler-and-the-goofy-gang, floating around somewhere in at least one of your suggested watch lists. You've probably even thought something like "Hmm...I bet that's goddamn terrible, but I might watch it later just to be sure."
Well you don't have to, because we're here to tell you why you should never watch it, and how, instead of letting yourself press the "Play From Beginning" button after thinking "I'll just watch the first five minutes," your time would most definitely be much better spent offing yourself, regardless of what you use to do so.
A white guy who was raised by Native Americans sets out to save his estranged father (Nick "sounds like he just got stabbed in the throat" Nolte) from some roughneck cowboys. Along the way, he finds out that his dad slept around and that he has a trillion half-brothers. So White Knife (Sandler) befriends his newfound siblings, and they try to work together to bring the dad they always wanted back to safety.
This abortion of a movie starts out with a cock-eyed Steve Zahn talking bullshit to a lazy and bored Adam Sandler who is dressed like a man acting like a Native American. Sandler's static, sad, and boring character, "White Knife" asks Zahn's character how much a few sacks of flour would cost. Then Steve Zahn's drunken and trigger-happy character struggles with basic math to come to a conclusion on a final price. Get it? He's dumb! That's why it's funny! Right, guys!? Anyway, "White Knife" stocks up on these sacks of flour in order to smash them on the ground to create a cloud of whiteness that would serve as part of a disappearing act once he gets into trouble three minutes down the road when Zahn's character discovers that he's actually a white dude. Not a Native American. Fucking. Whoa.
One of the most incredibly gut-wrenching and horrifyingly slow-paced scenes in the movie is the one in which baseball is "invented." John Turturro simply describes the rules of baseball as if he was reading from a motherfucking manual. There are some lines that are supposed to be jokes, but jokes don't typically make people throw up, and that's definitely what we wanted to do throughout the entirety of this scene. I guess Netflix decided to keep it in the final cut just to prolong our nausea-induced misery.
Taylor Lautner's Introductory Scene
As soon as Taylor Lautner steps into the scene, the only thing you can think to say is "God Damnit. This kid? Why?" This is the part of the movie where Adam Sandler discovers that Lautner's shit-tossing character is not only related to him, but is his half-brother. We found out in Taylor's very first scene that his buck-toothed character was created to be "the dumb guy who is probably going to fuck a lot of shit up." And you'd think that someone like him would be able to pull off the basic requirements of a flat and moronic character like that pretty easily, mostly because he's done it before (Three times? Four times? How many Twilight movies did they make?). All the director should have had to say is "Be yourself, Tay." But we're sad to say that his portrayal of "the stupid person" is worse than we could have imagined. His acting performance is of lower quality than Taco Bell's beef. Basically, we're saying that if we had to eat a taco made of Taylor Lautner's acting performance, we wouldn't be shitting right for weeks.
Rob Schneider Shows Up
Yeah. He's in this one too. Only this time he has donkey that shits everywhere. Yeah, it comes in handy a few times when the brotherly crew gets into some good old fashioned mischief. And yeah, diarrhea is usually pretty funny. But by the time it's introduced, your soul will already be crushed by the monotonous not-funny-enough-to-be-good and not-bad-enough-to-be-funny scenes that preceded it.
A Quick Sum-Up
1.)Taylor Lautner Helps Ruin Another Goddamn Movie
2.) Rob Schneider Plays a Mexican who Owns a Donkey with IBS
3.) Adam Sandler Still Isn't Fucking Funny
This shit-storm of a "film" is like The Ring in the sense that you die after you watch it. Except you at least get seven more days to live after watching The Ring, and you immediately die on the inside after the credits start rolling for the The Ridiculous 6.
The Ridiculous 6
MOISTURE RATING: 0.5/5 Drops
(The Only Reason it Deserves Half of a Drop is Because It's Fun to Talk Shit About Adam Sandler and the Gang )