Moist Mentions: Geo Tracker

by Sam Kubanon February 08, 2016
How about a Moist Mention for the Geo Tracker? Many critics tend to classify the Tracker as "low budget", "unreliable", or "tacky," calling it "a goofy looking douche-coupe". While we can't repudiate that claim fully, there's also no arguing that the Tracker is one of the most unique vehicles out there!  With plenty of "weird aunt" vibes, a weird semi-soft top that isn't really great for any particular climate, and color choices ranging from "fluorescent" to "80's wallpaper," you're sure to turn heads (or stomachs) as you roll by.
​Sure. Some of you might be thinking, "I'm not a loser, so I will never buy a Geo Tracker." And that's fine. But for those of you who are more than willing to sacrifice what's left of your probably-sub-par reputation, why not just go for it? Because who cares? While there's an extremely slim chance that you will earn anyone's respect by screeching into their driveways with this beast, it's not all about them. And there are definitely some pluses to this mostly-worthless novelty box on wheels. For example, one of the great things about Geo Trackers is that there is no "Deluxe" model. All the features you've grown to expect in a state-of-the-art vehicle come standard, so all Geo Tracker owners can always enjoy the full range of automotive excellence.
  • Retractable semi-soft top
  • Windshield wipers (Two for the price of none!!)
  • Cupholders (Now you can focus on waving at all those hotties!!)
  • (Partially) reclining driver's seat (Make yourself comfortable!!)
  • Rear-view Mirror (Fully Adjustable!!)
  • Dual AM/FM Radio with Analog Display (Whoa!!)
  • Owner's Manual (Absolutely Free!!)
  • And so much more!

It's hard to choose just 5 (there are so many photographs of Geo Trackers out there), but here are some of our favorite shots of the Geo Tracker in action.
1.) Swag

​Here we see an impressive eggshell white Tracker with a sexy blue and pink decal playfully scrawled along the passenger side. The decal just ripples with energy, effectively communicating the fun-loving and bra-free style of the woman behind the wheel.

You can also see from the picture that this lady hasn't been keeping up with her lawn care very well-- Look at that overgrown grass near the driveway! We won't hold it against her, though. She's probably just been too busy cruising around in that glistening 4x4 icon of automotive and sexual majesty!

One thing's for sure, both the car and the driver are going "top down" today!
2.) Off-Road Capability

Have you ever wanted to go off-roading, but your normal sized truck or jeep was too big to sneak under the hole in the fence of the private property you were wanting to destroy? Tracker makers already have you covered.  For those of you wanting to get dirty, check out the Geo Crawler.  

The Crawler is the Tracker's bad-boy younger brother with bigger tires and a "don't-give-a-fuck" attitude.  Voted "the only vehicle in its class" by a magazine, this mud lover isn't afraid to lock in the four-wheel drive and do donuts in your neighbor's yard with minimal to no evidence that a vehicle was ever actually there.
3.) It Can be Turned Into a Snowmobile

Kind of. 
4.) Chicks Dig It

​There are no two ways about it: Chicks dig the Geo Tracker. Chicks who actually dig, though? Yeah, they also dig the Geo Tracker. How about chicks who dig other chicks? You guessed it-- Geo Tracker. But what about chicks who dig holes in addition to digging other chicks, do they also dig the Geo Tracker? Without a doubt.

​In fact, the Geo Tracker is the #1 rated automobile among mid-twenties lesbian gravediggers. Long story short: if you have a snatch, enjoy snatch, and find yourself aroused by a 6 foot deep hole in the ground... you oughta be driving a Geo Tracker.
5.) Batman Has One

That's right. Even the Caped Crusader couldn't resist the urge to put his vigilante crime-stopping skills to work with his very own Geo Tracker. "My original Batmobile was too bulky, and I could never find a damn parking spot," says Batman. "With the 'Bat Tracker,' as I like to call it, I can pull right up to the front row. It's a no brainer!"

Whether you're wowed by the extensive amount of potentially social-status-crushing customization options, or unimpressed by the Geo Tracker's lack of reliability and basic functionality, it has still gotten at least a few people where they need to be, and that's really all that matters....right?
  Geo Tracker
  Moisture Rating: 2/5 Drops
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