Zuckerberg Invests in Kanye, Takes Advice to Drastically Improve Facebook

by Sam Kubanon February 18, 2016
When we think of the phrases "business savvy," "financially conscious," and "musical genius," most of us wouldn't hesitate to say that the first person who comes to mind is Kanye West. Recently, Mark Zuckerberg, chief-executive and co-founder of Facebook, expressing a similar view, invested over three billion dollars in Kanye West and his advice on how to "upgrade" the social networking platform. 
"I have complete confidence in Kanye's brilliance," noted Zuckerberg. "With Mr. West's seemingly insurmountable intelligence and extensive experience in business, financial, and PR consulting, I will have little to no problem firing most of the Facebook team to make room for his booming and incredibly profitable presence." He added. "It's almost a guarantee that Facebook will be perfect once he's through with it. Fucking perfect."
During the interview, Zuckerberg gave us a glimpse into the new world of Facebook that will be released sometime in late 2017, depending on when Kanye gives the okay. Here are some of the coolest features:

The Kanye Photo Filter

With the click of a button, any user can "Kanye" their profile photo. Simply hover over your current profile photo, click "Kanye My Photo," and using the facial recognition system, Kanye's beautiful face will take the place of your shitty one. Upon selecting the "Thank You, Kanye" option (the only option available), users will be directed to his GoFund Me account. Any amount over $1,000 is appreciated and will unlock the "set this as profile photo" option.

An Example of A Photo Using the Kanye Filter
But it gets better. For a simple $2,000 donation, you can Kanye your group photo.

Wow. Cool, huh?

No More Facebook Ads

Upon the release of the new and improved Facebook, Kanye promises to make Zuckerberg "take off all them bullshit ads." The ad space will be dedicated to "Reminders From Kanye," which repeatedly notify users to buy Kanye's newest album, "Life of Pablo," just in case they happened to forget about it.

Not a Bad Idea, Right?

Status Bar Converted to the "Kompliment Kanye" Bar

Facebook will part ways with the traditional status bar later this year and will introduce the "Kompliment Kanye" bar to the virtual world. This new feature will let the users post any Kompliment they wish to the star's wall. Users can even choose from generated "thank you's," such as "You're The Best, Kanye, "  "You Were Right About Taylor Swift," and "I Wish You Were My Father," just to name a few. Facebook will also offer its users the opportunity to thank Kanye West by simply pressing the "Donate $5,000 to Kanye West" button. There is little to no hassle involved. Just press the button.

As Wall Street scrambles to reinvest all non-Kanye stocks into Facebook, many have been initially confused by the sudden change in stock symbol. Replacing the familiar "FB" most have become comfortable with is the more Kanye-indulgent "YEEZ," which opened today at a modest 0.53 per share. While an IPO of 0.53 isn't absolutely terrible, Facebook will still need to sell a lot of shares if they intend to hit Kanye's lofty $53 million goal by 4th quarter 2017. Ironically, most potential buyers have already spent their money on subscriptions to Tidal (The streaming service with exclusive rights to "The Life of Pablo") and don't really have the cash to drop on YEEZ shares as a result.
LEAVE A COMMENT
BACK TO TOP

Someone purchsed a

Product name

info info
``