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Pope Francis - Try New Things
Charlie Sheen - Read More
"As I've grown older I realize that there are so many classic works of literature that I have never had the privilege of reading. Some of which have shaped culture, the way we think and even the way we speak. I really just want to enhance my quality of life and try to forget about my HIV. And I think the best way for me to do that right now is just read."
Jared Fogle - Have Sex with Less Minors, Try New Positions
"Well, now that I'm going to prison, I guess it will be pretty easy for me to accomplish my New Year's Resolution. So that's pretty exciting. On the other hand... wait.. oh shit..."
Caitlyn Jenner - Become a Gender-Fluid Salamander
"Too many people are afraid to show the world who they truly are. But with my wealth, and with a fabulous attitude, I'm going to change that this year. Be you, America. And after countless expensive surgeries and transformations, I will finally become me. Transphibians are all around you, America, and pretty soon, there will even be Transphibian bathrooms right next to the others. I guess what I'm trying to say is that all you Transphibia-phobics can suck my dick, or whatever it is I'll have when I become a salamander."
Adele - Stop Calling
"Hello, it's me, Adele. You all know how many times I've tried calling. It must have been 1000. Well, all those calls and texts really racked up my phone bill, and it also landed me with a restraining order. I think it's time a take a chill pill in 2016 and maybe move on to something more subtle like just staring from a distance."
Justin Bieber - Make More Money
Tom Brady - Win the Super Bowl Without Getting Caught This Time
Rob Schneider - Be a REAL Star
"You know, I've been an 'actor' for a long time. I do a lot of films with Sandler and the boys, but I think what I really want to focus on this year is trying the McRib for the first time. I drive by those billboards all the time (can't afford a limo, unfortuantely, so I drive my own mint green '97 Geo Metro) and I always say to myself "maybe next year." Well I think 2016 is the year, you know? Gotta aim high. "Shoot for the moon," they say. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars. And I'd love to be among stars sometime. Sandler and the boys probably would too."