Moist Tunes: Yuletide Edition

by Sam Kubanon December 15, 2015

It's Christmastime, and with Christmastime comes Christmas songs. Of all the repetitive, grating tunes incessantly hummed by our tone-deaf uncles around the Holidays, one stands out as perhaps the most impossible to enjoy and the most difficult to rationalize. That's right, we're talking about the 12 Days of Christmas.
When you really think about it (and we have), doesn't this guy sound like an absolute psycho? If you're going to get your true love a gift, great. Maybe something thoughtful (anything that isn't a Christ-child shaped fruitcake), or something practical that he/she can use in their daily life (an umbrella with a flashlight in the handle. Wicked). Maybe a couple of small, inexpensive gifts that conjure up memories of an inside joke from earlier in the year (Purple Stapler-- Right guys?). Or maybe just a little toy that will occupy them for about 30 minutes before they lose interest, forget about it, and end up leaving it in Grandma's basement until next Christmas.

But 364 gifts over 12 days? That seems a little extreme, even if a few of them were actually good gifts, but these aren't. None of them are. I don't know about you, but I'm having trouble coming up with any practical use the layperson might have for 40 Milkmaids. 40 Golden Rings? Who are you, Joe Pesci? And aren't geese pretty huge dicks anyway?


Imagine how frustrated the recipient of these gifts would have been halfway through this gift receiving marathon. Hell, two days in and they're probably already thinking

           "Fuck, dude, this is enough goddamn birds already. Are you high?"

In honor of the poor soul that had to put up with 184 birds and 140 unsolicited house guests with useless talents, we've moistened the old Christmas standby a bit:

           On the Moist day of Christmas

           My True Love Sent to Me:
           12 Plumbers plumbing
           11 Pipers pissing
           10 Lords a Leaking
           9 Ladies Dripping
           8 Maids a-Moistened
           7 Swans a Sprinklin'
           6 Geese a Gushin'
           5 Soggy Things
           4 Water Birds
           3 Humid Hens
           2 Dampened Doves

           And a Moist Stick in a Wet Tree!

On a related note, what's the deal with the intro to "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?" For those of you grew up without any love in your lives or joy in your hearts, here's how it goes:

              You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,
              You know Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen,

              But do you recall

              The most famous reindeer of all


Are there really people out there who memorized the names of all eight boring-ass reindeer, but have trouble remembering the "most famous reindeer of all?" Who sat down and memorized the names of the eight reindeer without giant, glowing noses and whose only contributions to Christmas culture are brief mentions in the opening stanza of a single Christmas song? And did that same person decide to draw the line at 8 reindeer, objecting to committing that famous 9th name to memory?

              "Hey Alan, you know all those boring, shitty Reindeer-- right? The ones nobody gives a shit about? You do? Well I bet you don't remember the most memorable one, idiot!"

There's no song more creepy than "Baby, It's Cold Outside." Sure, it's a pretty song when you ignore the lyrics as well as the fact that they are mostly about convincing a woman to stay overnight in an unfamiliar place during a snowstorm.

Here's the situation that probably inspired this song, complete with dialogue:
          “I better get going,” she says.

          “Really? C’mon. Look at all that snow. It’s freezing outside.”

          “Yeah, I know, but I really should-”


          “Didn’t you hear me? You shouldn’t have to go back out in that.”

          “I know. I heard you. I really just have to get going. Anyway, thanks for letting me stay in here for a little bit. I’m going to go try to restart my car again. I can’t believe it broke down in the middle of nowhere. I’m sorry for inconveniencing you, sir. It was nice meeting you.” 

          “Oh, it’s not a problem. No...problem...at...all.”

          “Huh?”

          “What?”

          “I don’t know. That was just...just odd how slow you said that. It just sounded-”

          “Oh! Look at those hands! They feel like ice! Let me hold them for just a little bit. There you go. Theeeere you go. That’s better, isn’t it?” He says

          “Um, yeah. I guess...so. They’re uh....they’re pretty cold. But I have my mother at home. She’s probably wondering where I am. You know how mothers are. Worrying all the time and what not. So thanks again!”

          “Oh, C’mon! Your Mother’s fine.” He says

          “Well my father is-”

          “Oh, your father what? I’m sure he’s handled whatever he’s dealing with before, hasn’t he?

          “I...guess so.”

          “Just...just stay here a little bit longer. There’s....plenty to do. Plenty. How about a drink?”

          “A drink?....No thanks.”

          “Just one?”

         “I don’t know...”

         “I won’t take no for an answer......hahaha”

         “Okay. I guess I could....I guess I could drink something, you know, just to get me warmed up a little bit more.” she says

         “What...a great....idea. I’ll be right back.”
(He returns with two full wine glasses.)

         “So do you have any...um...neighbors? When my car broke down I couldn’t really see because of all the...all the sno-”

        “It’s just me out here, my darling.”

        “What?”

        “No neighbors. Well, I used to have neighbors, but they...moved on. It’s just me now.”

        “They moved?” She asks

         “...sure. We’ll go with that.”

         “...oh, okay. So um...wow..this drink is.....this is potent...what exactly is in here? Is it-”

         “Shhhhhh....just shhhhhh.” He tips the glass up. “There you go. Theeeere...you...go.”

         “This is...this is making me...I don’t-” she stumbles over her words

         “Shhhh...let me just...let me just take off that hat...and coat of yours.” he says

         “...I don’t feel ri-”

         “It’s okay. It’s warm in here. And it’s about to get much...much...warmer.”


    And I think we can all guess what happened after that.
..........
A Quick Sum-Up
 Some Christmas songs are fucking insane.
1.) People have been ignoring the fact that there is a present-giving psychopath behind the song 12 Days of Christmas.
2.) People need to get their fucking priorities straight as far as reindeer memorization is concerned.
3.) Some creep roofied a lonely woman, and then they made a Christmas song about it.

So how about a round of drinks on us so we can go back to ignoring the Rohypnol-filled Christmases we’ve been so fond of overlooking all these years? C’mon guys. It’s just one drink.
Just. One. Drink.
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