Medical Breakthrough: You'll Never Want to Breathe Air Again

by Sam Kubanon December 30, 2015

Since the beginning of civilization, many have searched for the answer to eternal life. While a majority have looked to the heavens for divine guidance, others have journeyed to the ends of the earth for a mythical fountain of youth. While most science and medical experts would agree that both are ridiculous, a recent medical breakthrough proves that the idiots looking for a magical spring are technically closer to being correct.

Have you ever wondered why some sea creatures live such long lives? Certain whales can live to be over 200 years old and the Quahog Clam can actually live to be 400! Doctors at Chandler Weslyan University Medical Center in Chandler, IN, USA believe they have the answer which may hold the key to longer life.

"We think sea critters live longer because they breathe water," explains Dr. Robbie Gregbelt. "We been studying Discovery Channel for a couple a weeks and we come to the conclusion that breathing water must be the key to living longer."

Although the CWU Medical Center has worked hard to obtain the proper licensing to start human testing, they've been denied multiple times by state and federal authorities. 

"Yeah they says that our research unfounded and insane. Whatever that means." says Director of Research, Dr. Bodean Graybowe. "So we reached out on social media asking people on the Facebook and Twitter to test our theories for us and video record their results."

Doctors Gregbelt and Graybowe asked us to share their proposed testing methods with our readers in order to expand their research and improve their results.

1. Recruit two people to assist. (One to operate the video camera or phone)
2. Completely fill a bathtub with lukewarm water.
3. Add approximately 4 ounces of salt per gallon to imitate the salinity of sea water.
4. Lay face down in the bathtub.
5. The second person assisting will act as your spotter.
     a. The spotter's job is to hold you steady in the water and make sure you don't come             up for air until the test is complete. (The test is complete when you have stopped             struggling against your instincts and appear to have accepted the salt water)

"Yeah, we know it sounds a little tricky but we are pretty sure that if you force people to breathe water against their natural instincts, their body will not only adapt but it will live much longer," says Dr. Graybowe. "Like I said, we haven't been able to test our hypotenuse yet, but that's why we're asking the public for help. The future is depending on y'all's help!"

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