Hoverboards Recalled for Being Too Boring and Not Dangerous Enough

by Sam Kubanon January 21, 2016
The 2015 holiday season was flooded with requests for the latest craze, the Hoverboard. However, upon opening their boxes with much joy and enthusiasm, and after slowly rolling a few feet down the driveway without experiencing one-tenth of the promised violence that was commercially advertised, all of America's children were instantly and collectively "hover-bored." The interest in and production of the "#1 Most Dangerous Toy In America" came to a crashing halt, or should we say, a slow-and-steady decline. And unfortunately, most of these "Catastrophy Cruisers" saw the interior of the trash can before seeing a mile of the open road. 
We've all seen the commercials, and we all know the slogan. And most of all, we all know that all of America's youth was just dying to see if the Hoverboard truly delivered on it's promise to be the most extreme, two-wheeled "Death Machine" on the market. And it's sad to say that most of the guaranteed horrifying functionalities just weren't there.
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The Most Talked-About Features Said to be Malfunctioning Upon Initial Release:

Fire Blasters
Upon take-off, riders should have been able to reach extremely dangerous speeds within seconds after shouting "GO!' very loudly into the "Command Box". However, the speech recognition interface was reportedly not working on almost 95% of the hoverboards, so the fire-propelled functionality just wasn't working.

The Double-Tap Doom-Bringer Function
What was meant to essentially be a cannonball launching functionality turned out to be a total bummer. Upon double-tapping the "Doom Box" with the right foot, an eighteen pound cannonball was supposed to shoot out at a catastrophically devastating speed of 2,200 meters per second, destroying anything and everything in it's path. Most users found that upon triggering the device, the cannonball simply rolled sheepishly out of the compartment, nearly boring the rider to death.

​Anthrax Duster
The interior fan, located behind the anthrax chamber, was supposed to blow out lethal amounts of anthrax at every stop. Many users report that very little to no anthrax was released upon applying the brakes. This was a very big disappointment for all users.
After struggling through a few months of nationally publicized negative reviews, Hoverboardz LLC decided to pull the product from all physical and online retail locations in hopes that they could fix all major glitches. After thousands of Americans spent their holiday season violence-free and without any of the expected danger they were hoping to get themselves into, they took their anger to eBay and Amazon product reviews. Below is a screenshot of some of the most helpful Amazon reviews for the "Xtreme Xplosion," the product that was to be "the #1 Most Impressively High-Risk Toy for Children Ages 15 and Under."
"When I heard that only a few of them were exploding, I think it's safe to say we were all pretty disappointed. We were initially concerned because some of the prototypes were showing delays upon triggering the explosive mechanism within the machine. We thought we fixed it. Guess not." said Tom Tucker, the CEO of Hoverboardz LLC. "We're also hearing reports that no knives are shooting from the rear of the vehicle upon take-off, and we're embarrassed to say that it's entirely our fault. We will take prompt action, and these issues will all be resolved prior to a re-release of this product." he added.
Other members of the Hoverboardz production team were equally disappointed. "I mean, I intentionally programmed the machines to blare the brown note once the mechanism reached 15mph, but I haven't heard any reports of that feature working effectively in our production models. It's sad, really." says Chris Fourier, head programmer.

On a similar note, US authorities suspect terrorist involvement after nearly 2,500 garbage truck explosions were reported across the country in the days following Christmas.
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