Hopeless Horoscopes: What Does Your Sign Say About You Today?

by Sam Kubanon December 16, 2015

ARIES

You will get crushed by a speeding bus at 9:15 AM. I wouldn't even bother showering. Fuck it, don't even brush your teeth.

TAURUS

It was kind of funny when Doug from Accounting said, "I hope you get a heart attack" when you ate the last donut. But it won't be nearly as funny when it actually happens. Well, not to you anyway. Good luck. You have three hours

GEMINI

Tonight, you'll find a video of your daughter on PornHub. You'll also find a video of your nephew on there. (Hint: It's the same video)

CANCER

You will get fired from your job today. But that should be the least of your worries. "Watch out," is all we're saying.

LEO

Sometimes you have to learn how to let go. Especially on days like today when you're issued a restraining order.

VIRGO

Today, you will finally make Debbie from H.R. laugh. But she will stop smiling when you make a move and she files for sexual harassment in the workplace.

LIBRA

Today is the day God will forget about you. I wouldn't bother praying about it.

SCORPIO

An F-5 tornado will destroy your house today. A different kind of tornado will destroy your heart as your soon-to-be ex-wife hands you divorce papers and says she's moving away to Spain with Francisco, the gardener.

SAGITTARIUS

No one likes a crier, even if it's because your dad just ran over your brand new puppy with his brand new Silverado.

CAPRICORN

Today, you'll find out that you've broken the all time world record for "Amount of Cancer in a Single Human Body"

AQUARIUS

Your brand new set of dentures will look great on you all day until the man in the ski mask curb stomps you and steals your wallet. Maybe you should start a GoFund Me. We don't know.

PISCES

The garbage man will find a body in your trash can today. Here's to hoping they find out who killed you.
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