Fitbits: How Much Do They Really Know About You?

by Sam Kubanon January 12, 2016

The Fitbit is a great addition to your new arsenal of exercise equipment, but it knows a lot more about who you are than you could ever imagine. Cool, huh? Or is it...
The Fitbit craze is taking the world by storm. And since the holidays are over, and since we're all sad, fat, and desperate for a change, the Fitbit seems like the perfect piece of equipment to help us get our lives back together so that we can finally feel less ashamed to be seen by the public eye. There are plenty of things that the Fitbit tracks, like sleeping patterns, heart rates, and calories burned. But there are some other things the Fitbit knows about you that you might not be aware of, such as the amount of steps you've taken, your rising blood pressure, and exactly how far you dragged that dead body of your wife's lover out into the woods behind his house. 
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The Fitbit is the most fashionable and technically accurate exercise analytics device on the market. And if you're like the rest of America, looking to either get fit, stay fit, or furiously shove a sharpened steak knife through the back of the man who stole your wife from you, then you probably have already realized that the Fitbit is the way to go. Not only is it a relatively inexpensive way to track your restlessness and stress, but it's also a great way to monitor the amount of calories you burned while strangling your wife's lover with a kitchen towel and the amount of energy you exerted while quickly and nervously dragging him down the stairs. Neat huh?
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If your wife ever cared to look at you anymore, she'd be able to tell that you really are trying to lose all that weight you gained after filing for unemployment. She'd be able to tell that you aren't eating nearly as much, and she'd be able to read exactly how far into the woods you hastily dug the shallow, moist grave for David's tall, athletic body. Wow! Incredible, right? Given she knew how to navigate the inner workings of the Fitbit app,  she'd even be able to see how far you desperately ran from the makeshift burial site before reluctantly returning home after realizing you didn't have your wallet. Now that'sinteresting! Isn't it!? Who knows? Maybe she'll just forget about it.
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There are countless things that The Fitbit is aware of that you might not be. And to some, that might mean nothing. But to a lot of us, that might mean a prison sentence of twenty-five to life. However, regardless of the suspiciously omniscient nature of the Fitbit, I think we can all agree on one thing. Technological advancement will put thousands, if not millions, of criminals like you where they belong. And thusly, America will be having a lot more forced anal sex. 
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The new Fitbit "House Arrest Anklet" has a tentative release date of September 23rd, 2016. So stay tuned!
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