Breaking: God Discovers Science Isn't Real

by Sam Kubanon January 01, 2016
What follows is the transcript of an email we received from God, father of the relatively famous Jesus Christ and Sort-Of-Husband to Mary Christ. What God has to say is somewhat polarizing, so steel yourself for some pretty strong opinions and some even stronger language.
To whom it may concern,
Listen up. I've done some pretty serious digging the past couple of days. I know a lot of these so called 'Scientists' out there like to think that I'm a big ol' crock of ancient BS and that the Bible is based entirely on hearsay. I get it. I've been around since before time existed, so don't think for even a second that I don't already know "haters are going to hate." I'm looking at you, Neil deGrasse Tyson. But I'll come back to you later. Or will I? Who knows? Nobody does. You definitely don't. Try and predict that, Neil.
I think you people are forgetting that I'm kind of the Alpha-male (and Omega-male) around here, and that just about everything around you came from me, not some jack-wagon in a labcoat. I've had enough of this crap about "Science" being responsible for all the previously unexplained phenomena in the world. I've never even met this "Science" guy, and I hand-crafted all of you losers individually. Yeah, maybe I got lazy and spent less time on some of you, but that's not my point. My point is, I'm not so sure "Science" even exists because I think I would remember him. And as an omniscient being, I don't tend to forget much.
What do you people even have to gain from belieiving in "Science?" Can't you just trust me? Wouldn't that be a hell of a lot easier to believe? Take weather, for example. Do you a-holes really think weather can be explained by high and low pressure systems, a bunch of flashy colors, and an awkward dude standing in front of a camera mumbling about "storm cells" and clouds with names like "cumulonimbus?" Seriously? I got news for you idiots. There's one guy in control of all the weather on the planet, and his name isn't "Science."
Don't even get me started on Evolution. I mean, where do you chodes come up with this stuff? You're telling me this "Science" guy has the time and patience to go out and "naturally select" which useless, mutated bird gets to survive on some remote island somewhere? Wrong again. That's me, too. I'm the guy in charge of how animals are. And don't question my methods-- I know how to make a damn bird correctly, ok? What difference does it make if I do it slowly and incrementally over thousands and thousands of years. I'm not in any kind of hurry here-- I'm fuckin' God, remember? I've got a very clear plan, I just choose not to share it with anyone.
Your laptop. Your "smart" phone. Your car, that airplane flying overhead. Do you think this "science" guy is responsible for those too? Are you dense? I don't understand why all you little shits are so obsessed with these things, these "electronics" as you call them. They're gimmicks, based on cheap parlor tricks and illusions. There's no point to any of it, and they are the very proof that this "Science" guy is BS and that technology is useless.
Sent from God's iPhone

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