Bellagio to Open Thirty Celebrity Death Betting Stations

by Sam Kubanon July 17, 2017
Bellagio to Open 30 Death Betting Stations
Due to the staggering amount of somewhat culturally-relevant celebrity deaths reported this year, as well as the incredible amount of arguably unwarranted public interest each death caused, the Bellagio Hotel and Casino has decided to install thirty celebrity death betting stations before the end of July. 
"We noticed the national obsession in not only the daily lives of today's celebrities, but the deaths of yesterday's celebrities. We also noticed that with the increase in deaths, the interest in betting on the death date of important celebrities became a real popular little game. So we thought, 'Why the fuck aren't we making money on this yet?'" - Mark Patton, CEO

Names and Rules of the New Games:

Rush the Gates
Players must place bet on which of the two randomly selected celebrities displayed on the screen will kick the bucket first.


Betty White Countdown
Users may guess the death date (up to Jan.1st, 2018) of everyone's favorite almost dead woman, Betty White.


The Overdose
Users bet on whether or not a drug overdose will be the cause of death for any of the various washed up celebrities displayed on the screen.

Currently, the stations are being housed in an off-site facility being play tested by a group celebrity-obsessed fanatics. According to Tom Stacey, Bellagio's head data analytics specialist, the results are promising. "These people are tossing thousands of dollars into this like it's nothing. Some people just know that Clint Eastwood is going to croak within the year. And nearly everyone going all in on Adam Sandler overdosing on heroin within the next few months." 

As these stations become more and more popular, and as more casinos ditch the traditional penny slots to make space for the new kid on the block, the question we have to ask ourselves is, "What will the casinos do when all the celebrities die?"

Is this a waste of money for the Bellagio? Does it even matter? Does anything matter? What are your thoughts?
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