5 Serial Killer Names We're Surprised are Still Up for Grabs

by Sam Kubanon April 25, 2017

1.) "The Cincinnati Stalker"

It would be an understatement to say that we're a little surprised that this gem of a name hasn't been taken yet by some Ohio-dwelling, mother-obsessed pervert.  It's a perfect title for any midwestern creep desperate to make a name for himself in the world of sex crimes. 

2.) "The Westwood Wrangler"

If any of you horse-loving hotheads out there feel like it's your duty to spread aggression, blood trails, and fear throughout your hometown while also maintaining your affinity for all things equine, this is the perfect name for you. You better hop on it though, partner! Also, we have no goddamn clue where Westwood is. But it sounds like it's probably a place. A perfect place for you.

3.) "The Vegas Vampire"

Okay, so you're telling me you that you live in the gambling capital of the world, that you pay for hookers three times a week, that you're obsessed with Bram Stoker's Dracula, and that you haven't thought of combining your interests into one villainous spree of sexual deviance? Blows my mind, man. If you happen to grow up, we have the perfect name picked out especially for you, you psycho. 

4.) "The Dixie Darling"

We couldn't be more shocked that this perfect name hasn't been picked up by at least one of the various Dixie-residing super-harlots. We all know suckin' dick ain't no crime....but everyone knows it CAN be. Get creative. Get scary. Someone. Anyone. Just go for it. Just make sure we have nothing to do with it.

5.) "The Davenport Devil"

This catch-all title is perfect for any asshole trying to find his/her niche in the world of cold-blooded murder. While we personally don't want to be anywhere near anyone who is still figuring out how they want to go about their ritual killings, we have to admit that we'd shit our pants if we saw this title in a headline.

ALSO:

If you plan on using any of these names, please, for the love of God, do not credit us. We don't have good enough lawyers for that kind of shit. Plus, we simply aren't the biggest fans of murder. We can just appreciate a good name when we stumble upon one.

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