5 Sports Ranked by a Fat Redneck

by Roger Brimbleon September 06, 2017

5 Sports Ranked by a Fat Redneck

Since sports are as American as BBQ and Rock ‘n Roll, we’ve asked a fat redneck to rank five sports from worst to first based the players, associated food and beverages, and the general nature of the sport. Let’s just jump right into it.

Soccer

Soccer

“First of all, there’s just too many got-damn foreigners playin’ soccer. French, Italians, Regular Mexicans, Spanish Mexicans, Columbian Mexicans, damn Germans, and prob’ly a bunch of others. Overall, there just aren’t enough Americans playing soccer in my opinion.”

“I don’t know what the hell soccer fans like.. They probably drink gross foreign beers like Guinness, Newcastle, and IPA’s. They probably eat a bunch of bullshit food like lamb penis or tea and biscuits, hell I don’t know.. How are you supposed to enjoy a sport when you’re putting that kind of bullshit in your body? Fuckin weirdos man.”

“The sport itself is just awful to watch. It’s basically just a bunch of skinny pussies running around in shorts and t shirts kicking a ball around like idiots. For one thing, they fall down too easily. Plus, they can’t use their hands and they’re just real big pussies. I don’t know what else to tell ya... Oh, also, they think that tackling is just tripping a guy and taking the ball.. That’s not how you fucking tackle! Grow a pair and put your shoulder through the guy! Jee-zus Christ..”

Basketball

Basketball

“I’ll tell you one damn thing.. There’s lots of beautiful, red blooded, American beasts out there playing basketball. I know they got a few foreigners but they’re still basically American. Close enough for me.”

“I don’t know, I guess basketball fans like to drink beer. As long as it's got damn American beer like Bud Light or something I’ve got no problem with basketball. They probably go to B-Dubs and eat lots of wings too. I can get behind that. But they’re probably the type of pussies that order the veggie boat instead of loaded motherfuckin’ buffalo chips. That’s the good shit.”

“Basketball is pretty cool for the most part but the reason I ranked it low is because they flop a lot like soccer players and there just isn’t enough teamwork. I miss the old days with the shorty shorts and lots of passing and team work. None of that show-off 3-pointer bullshit. That was the worst thing that ever happened to the game. Too many damn showoffs trying to make 3-pointers now-a-days.”

Baseball

Baseball

“I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again.. TOO MANY DAMN FOREIGNERS. If baseball is America’s pastime then why are there so many damn Mexicans?! Mexicans from every country you can imagine. Lotta damn studs though hittin’ the ball 1,000 feet every time they take a swing. I guess baseball player are alright overall. I mean they dip and chew and I’m sure they all love to drink beer.. nothing wrong with that.”

“Baseball stadiums have some of the best damn food, I swear man.. They got Hot Dogs, Cracker Jacks, Bud Light, Hamburgers, Nachos, Cheese Fries, and anything else you can imagine. The beer is kinda expensive at ball games but I’ll be got damned if it ain’t the best beer in the world. They have Bud, Bud Light, Coors Light, Miller Lite. Now them are some beers..”

“Baseball is a little slow for me but it is a very old fashioned sport. I usually get bored and end up drinkin’ myself into a blackout before the 3rd inning. What more could you ask for in a sport?”

UFC

UFC

“There’s lots of damn badasses out there doin’ UFC. Even the skinny guys are fuckin’ badass. Hell, I weigh at least 100 pounds more than some of those skinny UFC guys and I bet they’d knock me around like fat kid playin’ with his wiener. I don’t give a damn if they’re foreign or not, they’ll straight up kick yer ass, don’t matter who you are.”

“When my buddy Bub-Hog has the boys over for UFC we all drink about two cases of Busch Light and eat 30 hotdogs each. Now I don’t know about y’all but that’s a damn “gore-mett” feast for us country boys. Between fights there’s plenty of tie for smokin’ cigarettes too which is a plus. Sometimes when Bub-Hog’s cousin Greybow comes over, he brings a shit ton of his famous cheesy-nacho-sausage-pizza dip with Cool Ranch Doritos. Fuck yeah.. That’s my shit..”

“UFC is one of the most badass sports ever, plain ‘n simple. It’s so fuckin cool when they one guy gets knocked out and go all stiff and he’s bleedin’ and shit all over the ground but the guy still beats on his face a couple more times while sleepy takes a brain nap. So fuckin cool. Wish I could do that to my brother Rob, that son-uv-a-bitch.”

Football

Football

“Football Players are God’s most perfect creations if you ask me. They’re big, they’re fast and they shake off blunt-force head trauma as if it never even happened. Best part about football players is that they’re almost all American. There’s nothing better than that. I like to think of football players like they’re our troops. They put it all on the line so that rich people can get richer and so the fans can eat and drink themselves into a pre-diabetic coma.”

“Just like baseball, football food is like heaven. Burgers, brats, hotdogs, BBQ ribs, pulled pork, potato salad, Bud Light, Jim Beam, Nachos, fried cheese, lard-bites, cake, McDonald’s French fries, fuckin' everything, man. Enough food to kill a fat kid. If God needed the ultimate feast, he’d show up to a damn football tailgate party, I’ll tell you that right now.”

“Football is the perfect balance between strategic playmaking and mindless violence. The only thing that makes me sad is that football has been pussified in the last several years. Can’t even hardly hit anybody without getting a flag or a fine. Back in the day, career ending injuries were just part of the game. Now hardly nobody gets sent to the hospital during football games and it’s just the pits, man..”

LEAVE A COMMENT
BACK TO TOP

Someone purchsed a

Product name

info info